I had a friend that told me about her new outlook on relationships the other day.
She told me that after being hurt by dating so many guys in the past that she’d had nothing in common with but ones that she’d been insanely attracted to, she has decided that she no longer cares about getting “butterflies” for a guy. She has decided that to her now, it is more important to be with a guy that she can trust. She’s over the whole “bad boy thing.” She no longer cares if she gets butterflies from a partner, just that he’s there for her when she really needs him.
As you get older, butterflies are overrated anyways.... trust is the most important thing in a relationship....or is it?
What do you think? Which is of the following options is more important in a relationship to you?
Option one: You get butterflies whenever the other person is around. You are insanely attracted to them physically. You get so much adrenaline and excitement just from being around them and the passion between the two of you is out of this world. Your chemistry has been crazy from the get go and you can’t stop thinking about the person. You want to be around them all the time and you can’t wait to see them next.
Option two: You’re with someone that you really connect with on an emotional level. Maybe you match intellectually, maybe the person challenges you and makes you think in ways you’d never even considered before. You are friends, you can rely on this person, you can trust them, they are dependable, and most of all? You feel safe with them. The relationship is stable and consistent.
Now most people argue that you can really only have one of the two options in a relationship. You are either madly and passionately in love with your significant other where you can’t keep your eyes or hands off of each other or you are with the “nice guy/girl,” the one that you can relate to, the one you get support from, but the one you don’t feel that extra “ouumph” for.
My opinion? Which is more important to me?
I think, of course, it is going to be difficult to find that person who completes both sets of criteria for you. The one that challenges you intellectually and supports you, the one that you can trust and depend on yet the one that you also have crazy amazing chemistry with and can’t stop thinking about.
That’s my answer. Don't settle for less.
One isn’t more important than the other. They go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. Passion without trust is weak. Trust without passion is friendship.
My theory? Maybe....when you find the person that completes both options for you......that’s when you know that you’ve found the one.
Good post. :) I've gone for option 1 in the past and been hurt really badly by them. My boyfriend is definitely option 2...but he's also got a whole lot of option 1. There's passion and I get butterflies when I know he's waiting for me somewhere and I'll get to see him in a few minutes. And when we're texting each other and having a particularly exciting conversation, I find myself with butterflies while I'm waiting for his response. So I think he fits both pretty good. :)
ReplyDeleteThere's no such thing as the one. I consider Brenden to fulfill both of your 'options', but even despite that we have come to the conclusion that statistically speaking it's highly unlikely that there is only 'one' person out there for either of us. Rather, there is just a general subset of the population who happens to match a vague set of criteria we've set out in our minds and also happens to live in the same geographic location. Sometimes you just find someone who fills more of the criteria than others. And those criteria can change over time and often do. So, in the words of Tim Minchin, "If I didn't have you...I'd probably have somebody else."
ReplyDeleteSometimes, a relationship that began with option 1 evolves to include option 2.
ReplyDeleteI've been in a solid relationship for almost 4 years now and I'll just say option 1 equals the first few months of dating. Option 2 is established once the relationship becomes serious and long term. You have to have both. If you only have option 2 then you only have a friendship. Friendship + attraction= a relationship
ReplyDeleteI agree with Melanie and I totally believe in both options, together :)
ReplyDeleteGreat blog
I agree with Melanie and Yvonne. And while I might not get constant butterflies from my partner of 4 years, we are still very much more than friends. Attraction and friendship evolve in a relationship over time, but they need to be sustained in some form.
ReplyDeleteFrom my observations, relationships where people date friends because they're afraid of being hurt don't work out.
Kudos, Kiran. Excellent post.
ReplyDeleteI'm inclined to agree with Katelynn. A lot of what we do as individuals has to do with circumstance. We weigh pros and cons hoping to come out ahead in the end.
Having high standards is a good thing, but it is often very difficult to stick to. Set them too high and its like finding the right sand pebble on a beach. Getting both options together in the right capacity is not going to be an easy feat. I know the notion has mystery and excitement surrounding it; it's definitely a romantic ideal, but In the end I don't think anyone can truly know they've found "the one", that is unless you buy in to the idea of soul mates, destiny and the like.
That being said, good luck, Kiran!
I totally agree with Melanie and Jasmine. One will come and the other will follow. The thing is not to settle for one or the other; I would wait forever until I found that special person. I feel that sometimes people feel inadequate when they don't have a partner, but that's definitely not true. If you're going to be with someone why settle for something that's only half great?
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