A few times in the past couple of weeks, this very topic has arisen between me and some of my classmates. Girls that are in relationships/are in love with their boyfriends but currently have “crushes” on other guys. I’ve recently done some research on this topic, because it is one that I am so unfamiliar with. If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know that I am completely against the idea of being with one person but having feelings for another (ie acting on those other feelings/cheating). That being said, I actually completely understand where these women are coming from.
It is very easy to judge women who have great partners, spouses or boyfriends that are loving, kind, generous, and supportive but still have feelings for other guys. If your partner is so lovely, then how can it be that you have a “crush” or have feelings for another person? More importantly, the real question is, if you do have these other feelings, does that mean that you aren’t really in love with the person you are with? Is that relationship wrong for you? Does that mean that you subconsciously are not happy with your partner?
What heavy questions. And I’ve thought a lot about this topic since it was brought up to me. The hopeless romantic Kiran would say, if you can have feelings for someone else while you’re with your partner, then you shouldn’t be with your partner in the first place. Something is missing.
The more analytical Kiran has thought about it and is torn. I also believe that at the end of the day, these feelings are natural. Think about it. The world is filled with men and women; it is inevitable that throughout your life, there will be many people who you have been intellectually, emotionally, or physically attracted to. Society tells us there should only be one, and perhaps there is only ONE person who is best suited for you (your soul mate perhaps), but that doesn’t mean that you will never feel anything for anyone else.
Think about for a few minutes. Imagine couples who have been together for years and years. 60 years, let’s say for the sake of argument. Do you think that in those 60 years, they never felt anything for anyone besides their spouse? I doubt it.
I think what’s significant about this topic is what you choose to do with those feelings. I do believe people emotionally cheat and that it is not the best decision. That being said, relationships take work and effort. Nothing is perfect, no relationship, small or big is always easy.
It is important to remember two things. One, not every relationship is perfect and two, it is normal to have other feelings for other people from time to time. The way to judge whether or not you are with the right person is whether or not you are willing to put the work into your current relationship to make it work.
Remember, whoever you are with, you are CHOOSING to be with them for certain reasons, and if those reasons are enough to keep you with them, that’s where you belong.
So to all my girl friends who are conflicted, my advice on this topic is this: if you are not happy in your relationship, get out. With that said, it is normal to have to work to make a relationship work, and it is normal to have a “crush” on someone else (not emotional cheating though….there is a line, you know the one I’m talking about!)…..This is a time for you to evaluate why you have chosen to be in the relationship you are in and whether or not those reasons are still enough for you. Who knows, perhaps it will be a chance for you to evaluate your current relationship and realize what you have in it and gain a new appreciation for it (could make it stronger?)
There is a scale of what is appropriate. A tipping point perhaps. A crush is a crush...but you must be fair to the other guy, your partner, and even to yourself. If you are SERIOUSLY conflicted or unsure one way or the other, please, think a bit harder about the topic. Emotionally conflicted is not the same as having a crush.
If you don’t cross the line into emotional cheating and have decided that the relationship you are in is worth the effort, don’t worry about the small crushes you may develop here or there. It’s normal.
What do you guys think!?
Great post topic! I have experienced this.The crush only lasts a few seconds based purely on superficial looks for me. Then when the guy opens his mouth to talk to me I realize that he will never speak to me with the respect my boyfriend does, he will never cuddle me the same way, he will never work as hard to treat me like a princess and he will never make me laugh as hard as I do with my own boyfriend. Within that second the "crush" is over and my thoughts go back to my boyfriend who was, once upon a time, a "crush" that now everyday works hard to be, and always remain the love of my life!
ReplyDeleteReally interesting topic Kiran. I think people just become bored of their current relationships and look for a little "escape" from reality and that's all those little crushes are. I think in the long run they can actually help your current relationship by helping you realize that the person you're with is so much better than the person you have a crush on.
ReplyDeleteHey Kiran, my response was too long for this haha, so I made a post response, and tagged your name in it! Good post- I know we've all talked about it at one point.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite poems by one of my favorite poets. I might be playing the devil's advocate here, but I just think that the last two stanzas are so bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteThe Benjamin Franklin of Monogamy
by Jeffrey McDaniel
Reminiscing in the drizzle of Portland, I notice
the ring that's landed on your finger, a massive
insect of glitter, a chandelier shining at the end
of a long tunnel. Thirteen years ago, you hid the hurt
in your voice under a blanket and said there's two kinds
of women—those you write poems
about
and those you don't. It's true. I never brought you
a bouquet of sonnets, or served you haiku in bed.
My idea of courtship was tapping Jane's Addiction
lyrics in Morse code on your window at three A.M.,
whiskey doing push-ups on my breath. But I worked
within the confines of my character, cast
as the bad boy in your life, the Magellan
of your dark side. We don't have a past so much
as a bunch of electricity and liquor, power
never put to good use. What we had together
makes it sound like a virus, as if we caught
one another like colds, and desire was merely
a symptom that could be treated with soup
and lots of sex. Gliding beside you now,
I feel like the Benjamin Franklin of monogamy,
as if I invented it, but I'm still not immune
to your waterfall scent, still haven't developed
antibodies for your smile. I don't know how long
regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light
of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing
into each other's ears—as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate. I'm sorry all the kisses
I scrawled on your neck were written
in disappearing ink. Sometimes I thought of you
so hard one of your legs would pop out
of my ear hole, and when I was sleeping, you'd press
your face against the porthole of my submarine.
I'm sorry this poem has taken thirteen years
to reach you. I wish that just once, instead of skidding
off the shoulder blade's precipice and joyriding
over flesh, we'd put our hands away like chocolate
to be saved for later, and deciphered the calligraphy
of each other's eyelashes, translated a paragraph
from the volumes of what couldn't be said.